White Housed - Episode 1 Part 1
by TheBulgarian
Summary: The agents of ISIS find themselves in Washington D.C. on a mission to protect the President of the United States from an insider threat. Before long they find themselves embroiled in a plot that goes deeper than anyone could have anticipated. This is part 1 of episode 1, part 2 will be coming soon.


Part 1

Scene 1

_-White House Press Briefing Room-_

\- _Pam, acting Press Secretary, enters chugging a flask until she finishes it and tosses it over her shoulder, she reaches the podium and turns to the audience_ -

**Pam** \- Alright turd-lickers, let's get this over with quick. I got a torpedo in the hatch that could start WWIII. What do you want to know?

\- _crowd bursts out with unintelligible questions, cameras flashing -_

**Pam** \- OK you, dick-breathe over there, let's hear it.

**Journalist** \- Wo-

**Pam** -starts audibly chugging another flask, pointing her finger in the air indicating "silence"

_-Silence-_

**Journalist -** would the administration care to comment on reports of atro-

_-Pam starts audibly chugging another flask, pointer her finger in the air indicating "silence" again-_

-Silence-

_-Pam belches-_

_-Among the journalist, Gillette can be seen sitting in the press pool, wearing press credentials, he looks down and sighs in embarrassment -_

**Journalist 1 -** would the administration care to comment on reports of atrocities being committed in the South Sudan?

**Pam** \- Alright easy there…wait, I had something for this…dammit, forget it. First of all, would you care to comment on the atrocity you are committing on your upper lip…Gayroldo Rivera? Boom, there it is.

_\- Silence_ -

**Journalist 1** **smugly -** Oh jeez, you really got me Sarah Huckabee Blathers…

_\- some in the crowd chuckle softly – Cheryl (Carol) laughs audibly from somewhere in the crowd -_

**Pam** \- Oh shut your cock – holsters tosses the empty flask into the crowd, it hits Gillette

**Gillete** \- OW – HEY! Come on now.

**Pam -** Ok, next question

_-Crowd erupts in unintelligible questions-_

_-Pam looks around-_

**Pam -** Ok, how about you, four-eyes?

_-Pam - lights up a cigarette-_

**Journalist** \- Would the administration care to comment on the President's health?

**Pam** \- takes a drag of the cigarette – alright you bottom feeders blows smoke out, I'll throw you a friggin' bone. The President is in surgery, but the White House physician, Dr. Figgis, assured us there is no brain damage, his twig and berries still work, and he'll make a full recovery. Any other questions from Fairy King Live over there?

_-scene switches to Krieger in the Oval Office taking the President's pulse-_

**Krieger -** Yep – he's dead

**Archer, Ms. Archer and Lana in unison -** CYRIL!

**Krieger** \- Wait – no he's not. But he _is _in a coma

**Cyril -** WHAT? I gave him his medicine, exactly like his _actual_ Doctor told me to. I swear!

**Lana calmly livid -** Actual doctor? Cyril…the president's **_actual_** Doctor has been missing for 4 weeks. THAT IS WHY WE ARE HERE.

**Cyril nervously -** Wha..wha..what do you mean? That wasn't in the briefing file

**EVERYONE in unison -** YES IT WAS

**Cyril** \- Oh – I must have missed that part…

_-Archer approaches-_

**Archer** **menacingly -** Cyril if you lie, and you better not lie, because I can tell when you are lying…

_-Archer picks up a medicine bottle-_

**Archer -** Cyril…if you lie, I swear I will take these pill bottles and insert them, one by one, into your "I'm not so certain is a virgin" butthole until I can grab a couple aspirin FROM YOUR MOUTH.

_-Archer - grabs his head in exasperation-_

**Archer -** ARE THERE NO BOOZE IN THIS ENTIRE GOD FORSAKEN HOUSE. I MEAN BILL CLINTON LIVED HERE – YOU THINK HE STAYED SOBER THROUGH THAT MARRIAGE?

_-Archer rounds on Cyril-_

**Archer - **Actually Cyril, I hope you do try to lie and weasel your way out of this because…I'm starting to get a headache.

_-Krieger – holding a dangerous looking device, looking at Archer-_

**Krieger** \- I can take a look at that for you.

**Cyril -** shrugs Ok – I didn't read it.

**EVERYONE -** CYRIL!

**Cyril** \- In my defense I was going to, but airplane rides make me really sleepy. I got to the part about an attempted poisoning of the president, but couldn't keep my eyes open.

**Ms. Archer -** We get hired to protect the PRESIDENT OF THE GOD DAMN UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND YOU TAKE A NAP INSTEAD OF READING THE BRIEFING FILE? Idiots…all of you, idiots.

**Archer -** Hey! I read the briefing file _mother_, unlike Sleeping…Doody over here.

_-Archer looks to Lana for acknowledgement-_

**Lana -** Meh

**Archer -** Meh? Oh whatever…it works on two levels

**Lana -** How?

**Archer -** One – "Doody"….like the wholesale piece of human excrement that he is.

**Cyril -** hey…

**Archer -** _AND_…two - "duty" like he was LITERALLY sleeping on duty.

**Cyril -** ok…

**Lana -** Cyril…you've done a lot of dumb things in your career…no, life. Let's go with life. But this, this takes the cake.

**Cyril -** – angrily Oh how could this possibly take the cake? I dated you!

_-Lana charges at Cyril- _

**Lana - **IM GOING TO...

_-cut back to Pam in the press briefing-_

**Pam** \- ...Punch the next one of you pencil dicks straight in the face if you ask another question about _alleged_ charges of treason. This administration is cleaner than Johnny Weir's poop chute and I won't stand here and let you try and rub dirt all over it. Now, I've got time for one more question before I have to go commit a war crime on the closest toilet.

**Fat Journalist -** Can the administration comment on rumors that the President's former physician has gone missing?

_-Pam bursts out laughing-_

**Pam - **Woah, alright there Fat Lauer, what shithole tabloid did you crawl out of?

_-Fat Journalist raises his head revealing a very overweight Barry Dillon-_

**Fat Barry** \- Oh, we are called the Odin Times – you may not recognize us, we've gotten…bigger.

End Scene

_Scene 2_

_-In the Oval Office-_

**Cyril -** Well why did you all decide to make _me _the doctor instead of…I don't know, Krieger? An _actual _doctor?

_-Cyril points to Krieger-_

-Krieger – Reading the syringe in a heavy German accent-

**Krieger** \- What is ein-suh-lahn?

**Lana - ** Huh?

_-Krieger – Reading in a heavy German accent-_

**Krieger - **ein-suh-lan

**Lana -** Insulin? Do you mean Insulin?

_-Krieger Stares blankly and shrugs-_

**Kriege**r - …sure?

**Lana**\- walks over and grabs a vial Jesus it is insulin…the President is a diabetic. But wait, isn't Insulin supposed to help diabetics?

_-Kreiger is spraying the contents of the syringe into his mouth-_

**Krieger** \- Mmm tastes just like Colonel Dietrich used to make when I was a youth at…Hit…

_-Krieger stops talking suddenly, looks around while making something up-_

**Krieger** \- ...summer camp?

**Archer -** Krieger what the hell – that's medicine.

**Krieger** \- No it's not…its water and sucrose.

_-Ms. Archer grabs the syringe-_

**Ms. Archer -** Give me that.

**Cyril -** Sucrose, what is that some kind of poison? Oh – god it _is_ poison. I poisoned the _President._

**Archer** \- Ha ha try again Aristotally-wrong.

**Lana -** that doesn't even make sense Aristotle was a philosopher, not a chemist.

**Archer** \- Oh, thank you very much citizen semantics. He was a learned man of antiquity, _Lana_. Universally considered the "Father of Western Philosophy". He basically laid the foundations for the modern scientific method and you are telling me he didn't even think about the fundamental elements that comprise all of existence?

**Lana exasperated - ** I'm just sayin' it's a reach, that's all.

**Archer** \- Oh what do you kn-

**Ms. Archer** \- Will you two shut up!

**Archer -** Oh, right, what were we talking about? Oh yeah…heh heh. SUCROSE IS SUGER, CYRIL Archer laughing hysterically

**Cyril** \- Oh – I knew that. I…uh meant that he's diabetic and too much sugar is basically poison to diabetics. HA – SO YOU ARE WRONG ARCHER Cyril cheers and high fives Krieger

**Archer** \- Why are you cheering? You just admitted you poisoned the president.

_-Cyril stares blankly-_

**Ms. Archer -** Well what are we going to do now?

_-Ms. Archer – squirts the remaining contents of the syringe and pours a flask into a tumbler and uses the needle to stir-_

**Archer** \- Mother! Where did you get that? Have you had that the whole time?

**Ms. Archer -** Oh – I've got enough booze hidden around this house to supply a company of Prussian cavalry for an entire winter.

**Archer -** Thank god mother, you are amazing.

**Ms. Archer wistfully** \- That's what Bobby Kennedy used to say…right here is this room.

**Everyone** \- Ew

**Archer** \- Oh god, mother.

**Ms. Archer -** tosses Archer a small flask Here – you better make it last…

_-Archer starts chugging-_

**Ms. Archer -** …it's all I've got left for now.

**Archer -** That was it? That was barely enough to get my hands to stop shaking.

**Kreiger** \- Well…there is this. holds up a bottle of rubbing alcohol

End scene

Scene 3

_-Ladies Restroom-_

_-Pam, grunting and struggling, audible splashes can be heard,_ i_s scrolling through her phone – swiping left and right-_

**Pam -** Nope…no…eh, no…oh damn – look at the cootchie-tickler on that one.

_\- Pam swipes right and matches -_

**Pam** \- Jackpot!

_-Door opens, footsteps and someone enters the stall next to Pam wearing men's shoes-_

**Pam** \- Look man, I'm all for gender fluidity and right now I've got some major fluidity going on that doesn't discriminate. So, I'd advise you come back in bout 10…

_-Pam farts-_

**Pam** \- ...20 minutes, just to be safe.

_-Muffled gagging sounds from the other stall -_

_-A letter is slid underneath the divider to Pam's side, the other person exits the bathroom hastily-_

_-Pam opens it-_

**Pam -** 10:45 at the Lincoln Memorial…tell Archer to go alone.

_-Pam contorts her face and farts, liquid splashes can be heard-_

End Scene

Scene 4

-_The Oval Office-_

**Lana** \- So basically, we pumped a diabetic full of sugar water and now he's in a coma. Krieger is there anything we can do?

_-Krieger holding a different dangerous looking instrument-_

**Krieger** \- Well I could tr…

**Lana -** Never mind, we need to get him actual help. Cyril – help me get him up. We have to move him to his private quarters quickly and quietly. The file said that no one in the White House can be trusted, except for the First Lady and the head of the secret service.

_-Archer, visibly drunk, holding the rubbing alcohol bottle- _

**Archer** \- And how do you propose we get him to his private quarters Lana? Are you suggesting we do a Weekend at Bernie's with THE PRESIDENT?

**Lana** \- What? No – that's not wh-

_-Archer – runs toward the president, shouting-_

**Archer** -WEEKEND AT BERNIE's WITH THE PRESIDENT. WOOOOOOO. Krieger get over here.

_-Archer and Krieger are propping up the president's body and making it dance-_

-Archer – slurring his speech-

**Archer** \- Don't worry Lana I got this, you worry too much.

_-Archer swigs rubbing alcohol, and pours some in the president's open mouth-_

_-Lana face palms and shakes her head-_

**Lana -** Jesus Christ – no, that's not what I meant. ARCHER!

_-Krieger and Archer walkout of the Oval Office carrying the president and Pam comes rounding around the corner-_

**Pam** \- Oh shit who's that? Are we doing a Weekend at Bernie's thing?

**Lana -** That's the president shit-for-brains. JESUS DID ANYONE READ THE FILE?

**Pam -** I was going to but airplane rides make me sleepy.

**Cyril -** SEE.

**Lana** \- CYRIL, SHUT UP!

**Archer** \- Lana would please lower your voice to a dull roar? I don't think Washington's ghost was able to hear you all the way up on Mt. Vernon.

**Lana -** Oh shit someone is coming. Hide the president.

**Archer -** Here, Pam you're freakishly large, carry the president.

_\- Archer wraps the president up in a rug from the Hallway and Pam picks it up as an old man rounds a corner and approaches-_

**Ms. Archer -** Step aside you simpletons, I'll handle this. Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Secretary of State, John Hingam.

**Hingam -** Mallory Archer, is that you? My god you haven't aged a day, it must have been, what? 20 years since Tunisia?

**Ms. Archer** 22 and I still remember it like it was yesterday…Big John Ms. Archer winks.

**Archer and Lana -** Ew

**Pam -** …nice

**Hingam** – Looking at everyone you must be the President's new security detail then.

**Ms. Archer -** Yes these are the agents of ISIS.

_-Ms. Archer points to everyone-_

_-Hingam looks puzzled and concerned, laughs nervously-_

**Lana -** we really need to consider re-branding.

_-Ms. Archer rounds on Lana angrily- _

**Ms. Archer** \- Those lunatics can re-brand themselves for all I care! I founded ISIS while most of those imbeciles were still sucking down goat's milk from the tit of an _actual_ goat. I'll be damned if I going to change _my_ name because of them.

**Hingam laughing -** Oh Mallory, still full of vim and vigor I see.

**Ms. Archer** \- I've always got room to be filled up a little more, if you know what I mean, John.

_-Ms. Archer winks-_

**Archer** \- Mother!

**Lana - **Oh god, Mallory.

**Lana -** Come on everyone, let's get out of here and let these two take a trip down memory lane.

End Scene


End file.
